Yesterday, we began looking at the slippery slope of conflict from Peacemaker Ministries. We noticed the familiar responses of escape: denial (claiming everything is ok when it isn’t), flight (running away from conflict) and the ultimate flight, suicide. Today, let’s look at the various attack responses. This is the other extreme of dealing with conflict in a way that isn’t oriented Godward. Escape responses center on running away so that conflict isn’t dealt with. Attack responses go after the person allegedly causing the conflict.

Here is a summary:

Attack Responses
The three responses found on the right side of the slippery slope are often used by people who are more interested in winning a conflict than in preserving a relationship.

Assault—Some people try to overcome an opponent by using various forms of force or intimidation, such as verbal attacks (including gossip and slander), physical violence, or efforts to damage a person financially or professionally (see Acts 6:8-15). Such conduct usually escalates conflict.

Litigation—Although some conflicts may legitimately be taken before a civil judge (see Acts 24:1-26:32; Rom. 13:1-5), lawsuits usually damage relationships, diminish our Christian witness, and often fail to achieve complete justice. This is why Christians are commanded to make every effort to settle their differences within the church rather than the civil courts (see Matt. 5:25-26; 1 Cor. 6:1-8).

Murder—In extreme cases, people may be so desperate to win a dispute that they will try to kill those who oppose them (see Acts 7:54-58). While most people would not actually kill someone, we should never forget that we stand guilty of murder in God’s eyes when we harbor anger or contempt in our hearts toward others (see 1 John 3:15; Matt. 5:21-22).

Are you guilty of these responses? Have you ever thought of killing someone causing you trouble? Maybe you thought suing them would make it hurt? Have you ever assaulted someone through your words? These are all attack responses are still fall short of how Scripture compels us to act. We will look at this response tomorrow.

Al Mohler writes how marriage finds it ultimate end in God.

Yes, I am a little delinquent in my normal posting routine. Was down in Galveston, TX this weekend. My mother-in-law was getting married and wanted this to occur on the ocean (not literally in a boat on the water, but on the beach looking over the ocean). We had a good time. Left Friday evening at 5PM and got into Dallas around Midnight. Then left early Sat AM and got into Galveston around 2:30. The wedding was that evening. Then a day of rest (needed) Sunday and we returned yesterday. Monday morning at 9:30AM, we pulled out of hotel and the humid, 75 degree temperature, looking at the ocean. At 9PM, we pulled into the 45 degree darkness of Hutchinson. God was gracious to us…traveling home was entirely uneventful. It was nice to get away, but I’m sort of dragging today. Will get back in the groove, though. And we are happy to be home. We missed our church family dearly and are ready to get back to life as we know it here.

Continuing a theme we began last Monday, I want to talk more about conflict and our response to it today. Again, relying on the excellent tools at Peacemaker Ministries, we learn that our responses can be summarized as a “Slippery Slope.”

Many of us, seek to deal with conflict using Escape Responses (found on the left of the slippery slope). Here is a summary of these:

Escape Responses
The three responses found on the left side of the slippery slope are commonly used by people who are more interested in avoiding or getting away from a conflict than resolving it.

Denial—One way to escape from a conflict is to pretend that no problem exists. Another way is to refuse to do what should be done to resolve a conflict properly. These responses bring only temporary relief and usually make matters worse (see 1 Sam. 2:22-25).

Flight—Another way to escape from a conflict is to run away. This may take the form of ending a friendship, quitting a job, filing for divorce, or leaving a church. Flight may be legitimate in extreme situations (see 1 Sam. 19:9-10), but in most cases it only postpones a proper solution to the problem (see Gen. 16:6-8).

Suicide—When people lose all hope of resolving a conflict, they may seek to escape the situation (or make a desperate cry for help) by attempting to take their own lives. Suicide is never a right way to deal with conflict (see Matt. 27:1-5).

What about you? Are you guilty of these kinds of escape? Be honest and notice our tendencies in this regard and through the Gospel, seek to change. More to come on this…

In a thought provoking response to a previous post, David Powlison urges us to get away from “quiet time” and tells us that “[God] wants to catch your ear to awaken your voice. When you have your ‘quiet’ time, or as you walk outdoors, or during your commute, may the decibel level rise to joyful noise and cries of need–and may God listen to the sound of your voice!” Read more here.

On the church website, we’ve recently added a page devoted to HomeWord with all the audio of each one so far. Here is a summary:

05/2007 God-Glorifying Marriage mp3
06/2007 Introduction to Roles mp3
07/2007 Husband’s Role mp3
08/2007 Wife’s Role mp3
10/2007 Communication mp3
11/2007 Communication (2) mp3
01/2008 Communication (3) mp3
02/2008 Sex mp3
03/2008 Money mp3

On Hillsong United’s CD – “All of The Above“, there is track called “Hosanna” written by Brooke Fraser. I love the bridge of this song. We are going to be doing it at HomeWord next month. Here are the lyrics:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom’s cause
As I walk from into eternity

May this be your prayer as well.

Yesterday, I was visiting with a gentleman at Starbucks (enjoying a Vanilla Skinny Latte) and we were discussing methods I employ in studying the Scriptures, so, with pleasure, I reiterated my stew method.

I find it helpful to relate to something as basic as, um, food. Take stew for example. Yeah, you can use ground beef for a quick fix, but stew meat usually takes time to get tender. Then you add in all those flavors and veggies for a rich, full-bodied stew. The longer it cooks, the better it seems to get. Let it cool and reheat it, and you will get a bigger surprise at how good it tastes.

This is the method I use in Bible study. (By the way, I love my new Personal Size Reference ESV.) Anyway, I take a passage and read over it day after day, looking for new gems, asking God to reveal truth to me. I am trying to “throw it on the back burner” for a while. Then I start adding some touches. I will ask questions, like “Who, What, When, Where, Why, How, or what are some questions I have, what are some obvious applications, what does God want me to live by, what does this reveal about God, how does the Gospel square with this?” In the course of this, I am looking at the Greek/Hebrew text to see what nuances emerge. So, things are just coming together on that “back burner.” Then I look at commentaries and think about what they see. (This is much like consulting a cookbook. Oh, that’s interesting, they used this seasoning or that flavoring in the stew.) Then I let all this steep and stew for a while and what emerges is a text I understand with several directions for living this text. This is the STEW method. It is effective in my life.

For this week’s free audio of the week, I want to keep going on the “conflict” theme and recommend to you C.J. Mahaney’s excellent sermon “Cravings and Conflict.”

Here’s a description from the website:

Are you ready for marriage? If you are already married, is your relationship with your spouse free from strife? There is a relational conflict awaiting you in your immediate future.

C.J. Mahaney opens this session sharing stories about the courtships and engagements of all three of his daughters. Speaking to single adults, C.J. offers some of the premarital counseling he gave to each of his daughters and their fiancés. With James 4:1-2 as his text, he explores the cravings that cause conflict, especially within the context of marriage. Conflict is worse than we think: it reveals the sin in our hearts. In order to end the conflict, we must address our sin and deal with our wrong heart attitudes.

This edition of the message was delivered at New Attitude 2004.

This message had a profound effect on me when I first heard it. We need new eyes to see what exactly causes conflict. We consistently think the problem is others, but this is merely pridefully failing to see the problems that lie within. Listen and be convicted and encouraged.

Here’s is a follow up article to Part 1 of my Conflict Marriage Monday series. The article is entitled, “Conflict an Opportunity? I Hate Conflict!” This article, by Ted Kober, highlights how the 4 G’s can make all the difference in the world in resolving conflict. Plus, I think many of us don’t view conflict as a way of growing in our sanctification. We view it as sin spiraling out of control. God has bigger plans for your conflicts, though. Check out this article.