As we continue our series of Mondays looking at conflict and especially noting the helpful resources at Peacemaker Ministries, today we look at the 7 A’s of Confession. Here’s what they say:
As God opens your eyes to see how you have sinned against others, he simultaneously offers you a way to find freedom from your past wrongs. It is called confession. Many people have never experienced this freedom because they have never learned how to confess their wrongs honestly and unconditionally. Instead, they use words like these: “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” “Let’s just forget the past.” “I suppose I could have done a better job.” “I guess it’s not all your fault.” These token statements rarely trigger genuine forgiveness and reconciliation. If you really want to make peace, ask God to help you breathe grace by humbly and thoroughly admitting your wrongs. One way to do this is to use the Seven A’s.
Address everyone involved (All those whom you affected)
Avoid if, but, and maybe (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)
Admit specifically (Both attitudes and actions)
Acknowledge the hurt (Express sorrow for hurting someone)
Accept the consequences (Such as making restitution)
Alter your behavior (Change your attitudes and actions)
Ask for forgiveness
See Matthew 7:3-5; 1 John 1:8-9; Proverbs 28:13.
This was a hard lesson for me to learn early on in marriage. Meg and I hated having conflict between us. We would want to end it as soon as possible. This, often, led to shallow and weak confession that effectively provide the reconciliation we needed. These principles are so helpful in that regard. I’ve gotten away from saying, “It’s no big deal,” when she’s confessing something to me to saying, “I forgive you.” Likewise, when I am confessing a way I’ve generally wronged her, I try to specifically follow these principles. This means avoiding generalities like “If I’ve done something that bothers you, I’m sorry.” My confession needs specificness: “I had a prideful heart, which jumped to a conclusion rather than listening to you. I know this brought disagreement between us. I know I need to change my actions. Will you forgive me.” When we function this way, our communication is not only strengthened, but the bond of love and grace that we demonstrate towards one another is kindled and encouraged. Practice good confession when you have wronged someone.