Todd Pruitt posts a helpful summary from Paul Tripp’s recent conference at his church on marriage. Most notably, he demonstrates how marriage, this side of heaven, is always a war between two kingdoms. Here’s a snipet of how he describes this:

Each of us are busily building, advancing, and defending a kingdom. The problem is that I am born with a sinful bent to build, advance, and defend my own kingdom; a kingdom unto myself. My wife, because she is a sinner like me, was born with this same bent. Obviously, when two people who are each trying to rule their own kingdom marry, conflicts will occur.

Check out this post, it is a helpful reminder of how our seeking our own agenda can affect our marriages.

John MacArthur writes on how parents provoke children to wrath. The ones he includes are: overprotection, favortism, pressing them toward unreasonable achievement, discouragement, parent’s failure to sacrifice for kids, not letting them grow up at a normal pace, using love as a tool for reward or punishment and, finally, abuse. God, keep us from these things.

In a day when the church is marred by divisions and competiting allegiances, this article pointing to Unity In the Cross by Josh Harris was refreshing. I especially thought the third point was convicting citing how unity takes consistent effort. We can begin, as Josh urges, by distrusting our “dislikes”, distrusting our “favorites”, and rooting out bitterness and apathy in our relationships. This is always a timely word for the church.

In thinking about heading to Together for the Gospel next week, I thought I would point you to the free audio available from the 2006 conference from the Sovereign Grace website. Check it out.

Audio for Main Sessions from T4G ’06
Audio for Panel Discussions from T4G ’06

This coming Sunday, Lord willing, I will continue my sermon on the rich man and Jesus’ indictment of wealth. In commenting on how difficult it is for a rich man to get to heaven, Jesus tells us that is easier for a camel (the largest animal someone in Palestine would be aware of) to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God (Mark 10:25).

C.S. Lewis wrote a witty poem about this. (Found in his book, Poems.)

All things (e.g. a camel’s journey through
a needle’s eye) are possible, it’s true;
But picture how the camel feels, squeezed out
in one long bloody thread from tail to snout.

As we continue our series of Mondays looking at conflict and especially noting the helpful resources at Peacemaker Ministries, today we look at the 7 A’s of Confession. Here’s what they say:

As God opens your eyes to see how you have sinned against others, he simultaneously offers you a way to find freedom from your past wrongs. It is called confession. Many people have never experienced this freedom because they have never learned how to confess their wrongs honestly and unconditionally. Instead, they use words like these: “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” “Let’s just forget the past.” “I suppose I could have done a better job.” “I guess it’s not all your fault.” These token statements rarely trigger genuine forgiveness and reconciliation. If you really want to make peace, ask God to help you breathe grace by humbly and thoroughly admitting your wrongs. One way to do this is to use the Seven A’s.

Address everyone involved (All those whom you affected)
Avoid if, but, and maybe (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)
Admit specifically (Both attitudes and actions)
Acknowledge the hurt (Express sorrow for hurting someone)
Accept the consequences (Such as making restitution)
Alter your behavior (Change your attitudes and actions)
Ask for forgiveness
See Matthew 7:3-5; 1 John 1:8-9; Proverbs 28:13.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn early on in marriage. Meg and I hated having conflict between us. We would want to end it as soon as possible. This, often, led to shallow and weak confession that effectively provide the reconciliation we needed. These principles are so helpful in that regard. I’ve gotten away from saying, “It’s no big deal,” when she’s confessing something to me to saying, “I forgive you.” Likewise, when I am confessing a way I’ve generally wronged her, I try to specifically follow these principles. This means avoiding generalities like “If I’ve done something that bothers you, I’m sorry.” My confession needs specificness: “I had a prideful heart, which jumped to a conclusion rather than listening to you. I know this brought disagreement between us. I know I need to change my actions. Will you forgive me.” When we function this way, our communication is not only strengthened, but the bond of love and grace that we demonstrate towards one another is kindled and encouraged. Practice good confession when you have wronged someone.

Isn’t it often the case that we don’t suspect ourselves. We think everyone else is the world is the problem. In my Wed PM class, we are reading through D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones excellent work, Studies in the Sermon on the Mount. In the chapter on denying self and following Christ, he writes:

Whenever I notice in myself a reaction of self-defence, or a sense of annoyance or a grievance, or a feeling that I have been hurt and wronged and am suffering an injustice — the moment I feel this defensive mechanism coming into play, I must just quietly face myself and ask the following questions.
“Why exactly does this thing upset me?”
“Why am I grieved by it?”
“What is my real concern at this point?”
“Am I really concerned for some general principle of justice and righteousness?”
“Am I really moved and distubed because I have some true cause at heart?”
“Or, let me face it honestly, is it just myself?”
“Is it just this horrible, foul, self-centeredness and self-concern, this morbid condition into which I have got?”
“Is it nothing but an unhealthy and unpleasant pride?”

Such self-examination is essential if we are to conquer in this matter.

This was so enlightening to me. I am usually the root behind the problem. My reaction happens because I have an issue I am dealing with. Yes, it usually is just myself (if I was honest). It is just my horrible, foul, self-centeredness and self-concern. It is a morbid condition into which I have gotten. I plead with you to follow the Doctor’s counsel here and put the probe of self-examination upon your life. See if the light of the Gospel doesn’t reveal the sins of self.

For the past 2 days, we have been looking at the slippery slope as a guide for understanding how we react to conflict. On Tuesday, we looked at the responses associated with escape: denial, flight and suicide. Yesterday, we looked at the responses that are driven to attack: assault, litigation, and murder. Today, we will look at the peacemaking responses. Here is how they summarize it on the Peacemaker website:

The Gospel Is the Key to Peace. A true peacemaker is guided, motivated, and empowered by the gospel, the good news that God has forgiven all our sins and made peace with us through the death and resurrection of his Son (Col. 1:19-20). Through Christ he has also enabled us to break the habit of escaping from conflict or attacking others, and he has empowered us to become peacemakers who can promote genuine justice and reconciliation (Col. 3:12-14).

The six responses found on the top portion of the slippery slope are directed at finding a just and mutually agreeable solution to a conflict. These responses may be divided into two categories: personal peacemaking responses and assisted responses:

Personal peacemaking responses are carried out in private between the parties themselves. Although it is appropriate for one or both parties to seek advice on how to implement these responses, they should normally try to resolve their differences one-on-one before asking others to intervene in the dispute.

Overlook an offense—Many disputes are so insignificant that they should be resolved by quietly and deliberately overlooking an offense. “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11). Overlooking an offense is a form of forgiveness, and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger.

Reconciliation—If an offense is too serious to overlook or has damaged our relationship, we need to resolve personal or relational issues through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness. “[If] your brother has something against you … go and be reconciled” (Matt. 5:23-24). “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently” (Gal. 6:1; see Matt. 18:15). “Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Col. 3:13).

Negotiation—Even if we successfully resolve relational issues, we may still need to work through material issues related to money, property, or other rights. This should be done through a cooperative bargaining process in which you and the other person seek to reach a settlement that satisfies the legitimate needs of each side. “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:4).

If the parties cannot resolve a dispute through personal peacemaking, they should pursue one of the assisted responses. This will require that they seek help from other people in their church or community.

Mediation—If two people cannot reach an agreement in private, they should ask one or more objective outside people to meet with them to help them communicate more effectively and explore possible solutions. “If he will not listen [to you], take one or two others along” (Matt. 18:16). These mediators may ask questions and give advice, but they have no authority to force you to accept a particular solution.

Arbitration—When you and an opponent cannot come to a voluntary agreement on a material issue, you may appoint one or more arbitrators to listen to your arguments and render a binding decision to settle the issue. “If you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church” (1 Cor. 6:4).

Accountability—If a person who professes to be a Christian refuses to be reconciled and do what is right, Jesus commands his or her church leaders to formally intervene to hold him or her accountable to Scripture and to promote repentance, justice, and forgiveness: “If he refuses to listen [to others], tell it to the church” (Matt. 18:17).

As you can see, the escape responses only postpone a proper solution to a problem, and attack responses usually damage relationships and make conflicts worse. Therefore, you should generally try first to deal with conflict personally and privately by using one of the first three conciliation responses (overlooking, discussion, or negotiation).

If repeated efforts at personal peacemaking do not resolve a matter, then you may need to pursue one of the other conciliation responses (mediation, arbitration, or accountability), which will require the assistance of other people in your church or community.

As you can see, this is a daunting task. What we must keep in mind, though, are the principles of the Gospel. That must be the center and core of all peacemaking.

If you want more information on the Slippery Slope, Peacemaker Ministries allows you to download chapter 1 of Ken Sande’s book, The Peacemaker, for free.

At the Together for the Gospel site, they have posted all of the promo videos finally. These 2 minutes snippets give memorable quotes from the 2006 conference and really help whet your appetite for this year’s. I get to travel this time with the Elders from our church. Less than 2 weeks and the conference will be happening.

For this week’s audio recommendation, I would commend the latest 9 Marks Interview. Kent Hughes, former pastor at College Church, Wheaton, IL, was interview in late October and is this month’s interview.

The part that really stuck out to me was when Dever asked him about failures in ministry he could talk about, he summarized it by saying that even when we are right in our orthodoxy, it should but doesn’t always mean that our morals line up with the truth. It is so easy to drift in our Christian walks. I don’t want to be a drifter. I want what I confess to believe about God to pervade every area of my life.